Too Nice
Being Too Nice, Unfortunately…… I Am.
(Trigger: This post briefly explores the theme of suicide- helpline below if you need it.)
“Rita you’re too nice “was said to me more than once, and most recently too and boy did it piss me off for a whole week. It's true, that's why I was mad. I guess growing up primarily Catholic does that to you- it doesnt have anything to do with Jesus- Jesus had boundaries, it comes with the culture and tradition. Often not wanting to add to the cruelty of the world, wanting to be that sweet, candied voice in the mix of the harshness of reality. Honestly, it's one thing I hate about myself.
I blame my childhood (I am not a victim to it- I am aware and working on it) never really allowed to have an opinion, could hardly make my own decisions without it being undermined or being told it wouldn't contribute to my future. Honestly, sitting here at 28, I don't even know if I will let myself make it to 30. Life's not bad, I've got a roof over my head, but… these same cycles keep repeating. If I can't break them by the end of 2026, well, I guess I'll bid you adieu and farewell (love dark humour, but if you relate- see the help lines down below please).
I am dramatic at times. With most things, quite indecisive. I'll let you have all the power, but I am so self-aware that I actually get intrusive thoughts of manipulating you 90% never intentional just don’t cross me. I can read people quite easily, the same way you could if you were the observant type. When you need your ego stroked, I'll see it: the sudden change of energy, the shift in your soul behind your eyes. Yes, I'll notice it.
I walked on eggshells as a kid, so pattern recognition is huge for me. Thought I had some special skill… no… no… I just pay so much attention to the behaviours of others that I adapt myself. Do I know why? Yes. But I get a sense of goodness when I play the part well. I wonder who I am without all those masks.
Being too nice is a skill: to let yourself be walked all over because you don't know boundaries, because you're scared of pushing others away. Being too nice is one of my many walls. I believe I have a breaking point I haven't even seen. I don't even let myself get angry; don't know what that's like. Too busy managing others' emotions and being understanding. To my detriment. Cause who the f**k am I?
I guess this blog will help me. Maybe you too.
Maybe I'll grow a pair and share on YouTube one day. One post at a time, hey.
If you need to talk to someone...
If anything in this post resonated with you in a painful or familiar way, please know that your feelings are valid and you are not alone. Reaching out is an act of courage. The following services offer free, confidential support 24/7 from trained volunteers and professionals:
International Association for Suicide Prevention (IASP): A global network. Use their Crisis Centre Finder to locate help in your country.
UK:
The Samaritans: Call 116 123 for free, day or night, or visit samaritans.org.
Ireland:
Samaritans Ireland: Call the same free number: 116 123, or visit samaritans.ie.
European Union:
EU's 112 Emergency Number: You can dial 112 for emergency services anywhere in the EU.
Writing this was a step. For both of us, the next step can be asking for help. It's okay to need it. I quite treat my posts like a diary. You will know what I want you to know. I am not ashamed to wear my hear on my sleeve and say it how it is. Too many people cower and put up a front. These emotions and feelings are apart of being human. I wouldnt’ say its normal to feel like this but you arent the only one. I have reached out and get help when I need it. So should you.